1. The Grandma Wannabe

The ink isn’t dry on your wedding certificate before she’s asking about your next fertility window and telling your husband off for wearing tight underpants. She’s bought a cot, a car seat and two Moses baskets from Marketplace ‘just in case’. At every meet up she greets you by staring longingly at your midriff, hoping to see a hint of a bump – it’s just a big lunch, Linda, back off!

2. The Domestic Goddess

She bought you Marie Kondo for Christmas and insists on cooking a 3-course dinner every Sunday because her child ‘looks like they need a good meal’. After she leaves your house, you find Good Housekeeping recipes stuck to the fridge, with notes like ‘this should be easy, even for you!’. Your personal highlight was her asking if you would bake a homemade birthday cake for your partner, while you were 3 days postpartum and wearing an adult nappy.

3. The Bunny MacDougal

Regales constantly about how she breastfed your spouse ‘until they were seven’ and walks in whilst they’re changing because she’s ‘seen it all before’. Cried buckets at your wedding over the loss of her child to someone else and still insists on kissing them on the mouth. Her blatant lack of understanding of personal space results in you ‘accidentally’ blasting breastmilk in her face as she puts on her reading glasses to get a ‘closer look’.

4. No Rules Nannie

The kids adore her because she lets them do, well, whatever the fuck they want. They come home having consumed 7 tonnes of refined sugar, cradling the biggest plastic shit you’ve ever seen and bouncing off the walls after a 5 pm danger nap. She undoes all rules of etiquette, teaches them fake words and you spend the next week explaining why they can’t eat Nutella sandwiches for tea and wear a Spiderman mask to bed.

5. ‘In My Day Mama’

Queen of unsolicited advice, ‘In My Day Mama’ bombards you with constant mothering tales from yesteryear. ‘In her day’ they didn’t believe in cuddling babies too much, thought nothing of giving them a swig of whisky or two and left them outside shops whilst they went in to grab the morning paper. She aggressively bollocks your kids and thinks it’s ‘ridiculous’ that you ‘can’t just give them a good clip round the ear’ anymore. *Try to resist the temptation to point out you live with the result of her old-school parenting and you don’t think it turned out as well as she’d hoped.

6. The Children’s Entertainer

Has seemingly never-ending energy and/or patience, and plays with your child non-stop for the entire day. Although lovely, this presents you with two problems; your kid now wants to live permanently at her house (you’ve seriously thought about it) and they get royally pissed off when, unlike Grandma, you try to do anything other than play play play. The days after your kids see her your house becomes a hovel and no one gets washed.

7. Petty Patty

A pro in passive aggression, Petty Patty gets a cob on if you don’t call her at least twice a week and throws a right wobbler when you suggest going to your parents for Christmas this year. She makes snide comments to your child rather than speaking to you directly (‘Oh dear, has Mummy forgotten your coat? What a silly Mummy’) and scorns you for allowing your toddler screen time, despite the fact you know for a fact she lets them watch 6 solid hours of Cocomelon at her house to keep them quiet.

8. Co-parent Cathy

Cath appears to believe your baby is as much her child as it is yours (funny, given she had sweet fuck-all involvement in growing and/or pushing them out). She’s got an opinion on everything; from what you eat whilst pregnant (“Another coffee? Really darling, that’s not very good for OUR baby is it?”) to where they go to school (she’s already signed your 4-year-old up for a University open day at St Andrew’s).

9. The Human Calendar

‘It’s Auntie Mabel’s 70th on Wednesday!’, ‘Father’s Day soon, buy a card!’ Birthdays, anniversaries, dentist appointments; no need to retain any information at all when you’ve got a walking, talking human reminder at your service 24/7. You found this both helpful and amusing until you realise she still texts your husband telling him to remember to put a big coat on if the temperature drops below 17 degrees.

10. Debbie The Dream

The MIL jackpot. She makes the world’s best roast potatoes and irons a shirt like an absolute pro. She’s the only person on the planet that loves your kids more than you do, and will happily babysit whenever you fancy a date night (she’ll even fold your washing for you whilst you’re out).