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You Now Share Everything

Everything. Including the meal that is identical to theirs, sat directly next to theirs..but on your plate.

Sometimes Their Voice Grates On Your Soul

Of course there is also no sweeter sound. But have you ever been asked to go swimming 450, 000 in the space of 3 hours? Top tip; do not mention ANY activity until 15 minutes before said activity. Trust us.

Letting Them Into The Bathroom With You Does Nothing For Self Esteem

‘Mummy you’ve got long hair on your bottom like your head’ To clear things up she calls her V her bottom and I’m mid wax. But thanks babes one day you’ll learn the up keep is hard work, expensive and no one really cares if there is hair there or not.

And Can Cause Havoc

‘Daddy can I hold your willy whilst you wee’ Oh god.

They Will Repeat Everything

Don’t slag off anyone (especially a family member) near them. You now can’t have a conversation without it being parroted back at the worst time. Be careful who you bitch about when they are around. They will tell them.

When They Go Quiet, Worry!

Yes like the movies it does mean they’ve drawn over your pouf with your favourite Tom Ford lippy.

They Wake Up Really Fucking Early

No matter what you try.

They Don’t Care What Company You Are In

You could be sat with the Queen and they’d declare that they just did a ‘Donald Trump’ Thanks dad…!!! Farts, Tantrums, whines, giggles and inappropriate conversation will happen no matter the company.

Their Innocence Is The Best Thing Ever

They will say the best things at the hardest of times. It will bring a smile to everyones face. Keep them little for as long as you can.

You Will Complete The Day By 9AM

Play doh, Drawing, dress up, Toy playing, 400 snacks, that craft set you thought would last the day, every episode of Peppa sodding pig. All by the time it gets light outside.

Magazines Will Bankrupt You

And they are full of crap. Sure they might take the edge off for 5 minutes but trust us they are £7 and NOT worth it. Save that yearly spend and buy something decent.. like a Chanel

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