‘It’s Bedtime’ (at 5.30pm)

We’re all for kids learning new skills, but the day your child comes home from school with the ability to tell the time is, quite frankly, one of the most devastating days of our parenting lives.

‘You hide and I’ll count’

A.K.A ‘you hide and I’ll sit here flicking through Instagram for the next 10 minutes shouting arbitrary numbers and pretending I can’t hear you giggling behind that chair.’

‘You wouldn’t like it, it’s spicy’

If you had a turd in a bag your kids would want half. Repeat after us: ‘MUMMY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!’

‘And they lived happily ever after, the end’

Losing your mind reading the same book over and over again? Skip a page or seven. THEY WON’T FUCKING NOTICE. Honestly, there’s really no need for the Gruffalo to meet the fox, the snake AND the owl. It’s total overkill if you ask us.

‘It’s closed today darling’

We have a sneaky suspicion that post-lockdown the park will be closed for a very, very long time.

‘You ate them all sweetheart’

READ: I ate the entire bag watching Line of Duty last night and give absolutely zero fucks.

‘Wow! I love it! What is it?!’

About 30% of being a parent is lying to your kids about how good the crap they make looks and/or tastes.

‘The alarm sensor means Father Christmas is watching’

See also: ‘if you don’t behave the policeman will come and arrest you’ and other mild threats we make on the daily.

‘The car wont start if you don’t put your seatbelt on’

SAFETY FIRST.