Home > Advice > Baby > 10 Lies We All Tell Our Health Visitor/Midwife (But Probably Shouldn’t)..

If you’re expecting a baby, chances are you’re a proper full grown-adult. So you might find yourself questioning why, in the presence of a health professional, you suddenly regress to feeling like a naughty teenager and telling the teeniest of fibs in order to make yourself look and/or feel better. Here’s 10 lies we all tell our Health Visitor or Midwives (but probably shouldn’t)…

Bad Habits

When asked how many units (pre-pregnancy) of alcohol you consumed a week; we find the tried-and-tested same rule applies as when your spouse asks how much your new handbag cost or the number of sexual partners you had before them; halve it and then halve it again.

Feel free to also omit from your medical record the 3-day hen weekend you attended before you found out you were avec-child which made you vom so violently you mistook morning sickness for alcohol poisoning.

‘Are You Taking Your Prenatal Vitamins?’

Yep. Every day. Religiously. Except the 2 days a week you forget entirely and wake up at 2am thinking ‘FUCK! FOLIC ACID!’

The iron tablets make us constipated, and in the first trimester swallowing anything bigger than a smartie before breakfast made us heave; so you could be forgiven for skipping a few days here and there. Your nutritious varied diet of dry toast and digestive biscuits will more than compensate though, right?!


Apparently, you should treat pregnancy like training for a marathon; and that doesn’t just mean buying stretchy leggings with elasticated waists and drinking Lucozade before 10am.

You might have good intentions at the start of pregnancy; but who could blame you for forgoing the HIIT workouts when you feel like death 24/7 and need a nap after changing the bedsheets?

The Birth Plan

This one isn’t exactly deliberate, but we can understand why midwives often don’t pay a whole load of attention to a first-time mothers laminated ‘birth preferences’ for a water-birth using just lavender oil that ends up with her screaming ‘GIVE ME THE FUCKING DIAMORPHINE’ 12 hours in.

Perineal Massage

Around the 34 week mark, you’ll be encouraged by your health care provider to spend 10 minutes each evening fumbling around your vagina like your inexperienced teenage boyfriend.

You’d be forgiven for finding this weird/avoiding doing it altogether, despite being terrified of your gooch splitting in two during labour.

‘Are You Sleeping On Your Left-Hand Side?’

Well we start off like that, yeah.

Before waking up 4 hours later on our stomach/back gasping for air/panicking we’ve squashed the baby and spending the next hour poking it awake to check it’s okay.

‘Breast is Best’

Feeding is the ultimate motherhood hot-topic, so much so that you may find yourself saying you’re ‘considering’ it, despite having zero intention and the Perfect Prep machine already taking pride of place on your kitchen worktop at home. You’ll also find yourself post-birth making excuses as to why you’re not feeding from the boob. Our advice? Ditch the guilt – your baby, your decision.

The Sleepyhead

If you’ve got one, we guarantee you stuffed it behind the back of the sofa before your Health Visitor arrived for fear of judgement from the safe-sleep police.

If it makes them nap long enough for us to shower, we’re using it (and yes we’ll watch them very closely!)

‘How Are You Feeling?’

Oh fine, thanks. Yesterday we cried because there were no chocolate twists left at Starbucks but apart from that; TOTALLY emotionally stable.

Pelvic Floor Exercises

*Bet you’re doing them now though*.

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