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‘It’s like raaaiiinnnn on your wedding day. It’s a giant poo, when you’re already late.’

No matter how recently you’ve changed them, the second you place a fully dressed baby in the car seat they will instantly soil themselves. The more layers, the higher the probability. If they’re wearing a pram suit, it’s practically a given.

They NEVER nap, except when you desperately need them not to.

Shout out to the Mum’s reading this from the car outside their house; temporarily incarcerated by the small snoring human in the car seat in the back. Said small child can easily stay awake for an entire 6 hour road trip; yet somehow develops narcolepsy the second you need them to stay awake for a short drive to the supermarket.

The one time you forget the spare clothes, you will never need them more.

We’ve been hauling round a Spiderman backpack stuffed with more outfit changes than a Cher concert for the last 2 years; the ONE TIME we leave it at home you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll be wiping their arse with your socks and fashioning them a pair of trousers out of a old towel you found in the boot.

Nothing cures kids faster than a trip to the Doctors waiting room.

Following stern words with the receptionist to secure the appointment (‘Yes it’s urgent Karen, I KNOW MY OWN CHILD OKAY?!”) the kid, previously at death’s door; springs back to life the instant their name is called. This leaves you wishing they were slightly more unwell than they now appear, so the Doctor won’t think you’re a crazed hypochondriac.

Oh Ducking Hell

You’ve been forking out £15 a lesson for Baby Spanish for an entire year with not so much as a ‘Hola’ back; but guaranteed the ONE TIME you tell Daddy to go fuck himself and THAT’S the word they repeat.

‘Oh they won’t eat that’*

*Unless they’re at your Mother-in-Law’s, or at nursery, or in the care of literally anyone else but you.

The week you go back to work they will be ill like they’ve never been ill before.

You: Wants to prove you’re a capable, together individual who can juggle motherhood and her career, no problem. Also You: Has to call IT on day 2 because the baby vommed on her Macbook.

You can’t wait for a night out, only to spend every second missing them like hell

It’s a universally accepted truth that you’ll spend the entire evening scrolling through your camera roll and discussing your baby’s bowel movements. Extra points if you’ve got pictures on your phone of your baby’s bowel movements.

The one day you forget the pram

You’ll have to carry the kid around like a 20lb kettlebell until your arms feel like they’re about to fall off.

The moment you think you’ve got this shit down

It all changes and you realise you haven’t got a clue.

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