Attachment Issues Start Early (Literally)

Remember the 90s, when your home phone had a curly cord that prevented you from wandering further than a 5ft radius from its base? Well, that, only the base is the placenta (still firmly wedged inside you) and the cord is attached to the screaming new human you’ve just pushed out.
Sometimes, the cord is slightly too short, meaning when you try to pull the babe up to your chest, they spring back as if they’re attached to a bungee cord. So, you just have to… sit there. Legs akimbo, waiting for the cord to stop pulsing so your totally grossed out partner can cut it with a pair of children’s craft scissors (spoiler: it’s harder than he thinks).

They Come Out Covered in Crap (Again, Literally)

the kid emerges bone dry (and about 12 weeks old). The truth is, they’re covered in all kinds: blood, poo (theirs, not yours), and vernix; the white sticky substance that covers their skin while in the womb. Your first inclination (naturally) would be to give them a good scrub before dressing them in your White Company onesie of choice; but you’ll be told to wait a week first, giving the vernix time to soak in naturally.
It’s the equivalent of having a facial on an expensive spa day, then being told you have to wait for three hours before going in the sauna afterwards. You’ll want to do the right thing, but you’ll more than likely end up giving in after three days and whacking them in the bath.

The Umbilical Cord Looks Like a Witchetty Grub

The first time you change the kid’s nappy, it might surprise you to discover two inches of umbilical cord where a neat little belly button should be, clamped with what looks like a sandwich bag clip from Lakeland. Three days in, it’ll smell like… well, exactly what it is, which is dead flesh (TMI?). You’re still not allowed to wash the baby, and spend every nappy change terrified that you’ll knock it off and curse them with an outie for the rest of their life. It will fall off, eventually. Some people even keep them, but those people are weird and we’re not sure we want to be friends with them.

Their Head Has a Pulse

Ever wondered why people are obsessed with protecting the baby’s head? Well, it might be because there’s a large gaping hole there, where their skull hasn’t fused together yet (aka the fontanel) meaning that their brain is essentially exposed. Terrified yet? Yep, us too.

Baby Girls Have Periods

Around day three, you might notice drops of blood in your baby girl’s nappy. This will scare the shit out of you but try not to panic; a spike in maternal estrogen levels can simulate a female foetus’s uterus, producing a mini-period within the first week of their life. Not weird AT ALL.

The First Poo is Like Thick Black Tar

It’s a pretty well-known fact that babies poo a lot, but what you might not know is that the very first one comes out like treacle. And not in a good way. You could genuinely lay tarmac with this stuff; it’s dark, sticky and will take out an entire pack of Water Wipes in one go.

Acne Doesn’t Wait For Puberty

We’ve all woken up with a giant spot on our forehead and new-borns are no different: baby acne is a thing. Apparently, the magical properties of breastmilk clear it right up, so resist the urge to squeeze and slather on some of that liquid gold instead.

Sometimes They’re Hairy

If your kid decides to make an early appearance, don’t be surprised if they come out with more back hair than your dad. Officially known as lanugo, this is the first hair your baby’s body makes, and plays a vital role in protecting skin and regulating body temperature in the womb. Don’t crack out the Veet so soon (kidding), it will fall out naturally after a few weeks.
We know we shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t shave your baby (something our midwife once said to us, which made us think only one thing: someone once did).

Don’t enter the comparison game

It’s easy to feel like a bad parent if you’ve not sat there for hours teaching them to clap or crawl. But that’s ridiculous. Most just do it on their own. “I didn’t teach my kids anything, I was barely surviving, and that is totally fine”, says Dr Kiran. She adds, “I actually stopped going to my classes because I hated the comparisons that mums make. When environments become toxic, you start to question and compare your baby, and you really shouldn’t. We all have different personalities, quirks and nuisances, and babies are the same”.

Keep her checklist nearby, refer to it when you need reassurance, and then tell those nosey parkers to mind their own. *Remember – this is for reference, and if your baby isn’t beginning to babble at six months, it’s not a red flag. You don’t need to worry. “One child might not be walking by twelve months, and another could be walking at eight months. It doesn’t mean one is better than the other, says Dr Kiran. “Be kind with your words and think twice before saying, “oh, mine was born talking and walking” it might make an already struggling parent feel worse about their child”.

6 weeks

Red flag. Speak to a doctor if:
• There’s no social smile.
• No head control.

6months

Around this time, babies can:
• Roll from their tummy onto their back.
• Begin to sit with support.
• Grab things with their hands.
• Transfer toys from one hand to the other.
• Turn their head to their name or to a noise.
• Begin to babble.
• Put toys, feet or your nose to their mouth.
Red flag. Speak to a doctor if:
• They are squinting and not reaching for things.

9 months

Around this time, babies can:
• Sit independently without support.
• Roll from front to back and back to front.
• Begin to stand with support.
• Pick things up with their thumb and index finger in a pincer grip.
• Recognise and respond to their name.
• Hold and bite their food.
• Develop stranger danger and object permanence. *This means they cry when you leave the room or if they don’t recognise a face.
Red flag. Speak to a doctor if:
• They are not sitting or are very floppy.

1 year

Around this time, babies can:
• Begin to walk independently.
• Throw objects.
• Say Mama, Dada or a few words.
• Wave and understand Peekaboo.
• Drink from a beaker cup.
• Clap with their hands.

18 months

Red flag. Speak to a doctor if:
• They are not walking.
• They have no words or don’t babble.

2 years

Around this time, most babies can:
• Run on tiptoes.
• Walk up the stairs with two feet at a time.
• Throw a ball (psst…kick a ball is 2.5 years).
• Begin to draw a vertical line.
• Turn pages in a book.
• Have two-word sentences, e.g., ‘Mama eat, I hungry’.
• Begin to eat with a spoon.
Red flag. Speak to a doctor if:
• They are not talking or understanding simple instructions.

3 years

Around this time, most children can:
• Walk up and downstairs.
• Draw a circle.
• Begin to use scissors.
• Bead things through a string.
• Have 3-word sentences, e.g., ‘Mama, let’s go!’.
• Understand things are bigger or smaller and colours.
• To start sharing toys.
• Play independently.
• Eat with a fork and spoon.
• Be dry by day.

5 years

Around this time, most children can:
• Run and walk up and down stairs like an adult.
• Draw shapes like a cross, triangle or body parts.
• Cut pieces of paper.
• Understand complex instructions, e.g., pick your shoes up, put them in the cupboard and then wash your hands.
• Be dry by night (some children can go on until 7 years).
• Can dress and undress some items of clothing.
• Begin to do up buttons and zips.


Remember these are just a guideline about what may do and when, most babies will and some will make you wait. Think about adults, some of us always on time, and some of us never are, despite how hard we try! The most important take home message is, if you are worried, please speak to a Doctor.