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We love our children, but being a parent is bloody annoying sometimes—especially when we’ve only slept for three hours.

The Cleaning is Relentless (and gets you nowhere)

From scrubbing hard cereal because someone forgot to wipe it (no names). To sterilising bottles for the 367th time.
Our standards are lowered, and the house is now spotless for only 4.5 seconds after the cleaner has been.
*Or when our MIL comes around.

They Don’t Like Bluey as Much as We Do

Screentime can be essential for getting sh*t done. But there comes a point when children realise they can choose. And then it’s ‘See ya Ben & Holly!’ and ‘Hello bizarre brain-mushing ASMR videos’… and the grating sound of Blippee.

They’ll Be Sick in the Night and Fine in the Morning

If you’re not awake trying to calm or Calpol them, then you’re in a state of insomnia, worrying that they’re dying in their room.
Cue morning. You rush in, and yep, they’re completely fine.
If anything, they’ve got more energy than ever.
We’re grateful and everything. But. What. The. Actual…

The Playground is Only Fun for Five Minutes

Hanging around swings was way more fun when we were 15, and vodka was involved.
At least for a few more years (or months – gulp!), they’ll believe us that it’s closed.

Being Awake in the Middle of the Night Is a Thing

We thought we’d be good at being up all night with all the practice we had. However, it appears feeding or dealing with a tiny crying human can feel pretty tedious. Especially with a very snorey co-parent next to you.

You Need to Watch Them

If they’re not at the stage of asking you to watch them (which is SO fun btw). Then, you have to make sure you keep an eye on them at all times. And when you don’t, they’ll either injure themselves or cause more mess than you can actually physically imagine.

You Make All the Meals – That No One Eats!

You slave for hours making a homemade fish pie that they throw on the floor, only to end up feeding them a banana, a yoghurt or a bit of toast.

Crouching Next to Them Waiting for a Poo

Ahh, toilet training. Aka: You and a cold bathroom floor, waiting for the plop.

You Now Have SO Many Appointments

From the person who hasn’t managed to book a dental or eye appointment in 8 years. You’re now in charge of scheduling and booking 37 appointments a year.
And don’t forget that bloody red book!!!

You’ve (Without Consent) Been Appointed Chief Restocker

“Are there any nappies upstairs?” “Where are the wipes?” “Those shoes look a bit small!”
Yep! Even though you’re spending every waking (and non-waking) hour looking after an unreasonable human that you grew.
Everyone from your MIL to your partner thinks you’re really f*cking up if the nappy caddy isn’t in order.
You know where the shop is people. Off you trot!

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